Navigating the Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship
As a homosexual male approaching 50, I’ve spent many, largely enjoyable years engaging in casual sex with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship that lasted a significant period, however it never fully satisfied me, in that I didn't experience love or sexually nourished. Truthfully, I have always craved casual sex. Every time I begin seeing a potential partner, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with new partners again.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that many homosexual males engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear like hard work, often resulting in lots of heartache and envy among all parties. In many ways, I desire another man to care for me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, but I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Should I just keep having spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Each individual's intimate path varies. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to handle various forms of intimate connections as fixed. What you need in your current state may well change down the road; at a certain time you might become more decisive and discover some clarity and a comfortable path … or not. One day you might meet someone offering a life-changing chance to you through mirroring your desires in a holistic fashion … and later on you may choose that non-committal encounters suit you best. Fretting over the future and playing endless speculation is merely rooted in fear and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay present with your partners, and see the value of each person you connect with intimately an intimate bond. If and when the time is right to deepen true intimacy with one partner, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based therapy professional focusing on addressing sexual disorders.
